I have been depressed since last Friday and I don’t know who to talk to about what I am going through because I feel like I will be judged, and all my life I have tried to do the right thing so my parents have been so proud of me and they keep using me as an example for my younger siblings to follow. I feel like I have let them down and my mother keeps saying that the day I will lose my virginity, she will know. She said she has her ways and means and although I don’t believe her entirely, I am scared that she will find out. I have been dating this guy for about 6 months. He is not the first guy I have dated, but with the previous guy, I made it clear to him that I didn’t want us to do anything s*xual before marriage. He accepted that but later left me because of the same issue.
With this guy I love him so much that when he told me he will leave me if I don’t agree to s*x, I had to give in. He is 32 and I just turned 18 last two weeks. He didn’t really rush me into s*x. He told me he was being patient with me because I am a virgin, so during the first six months, he didn’t p*netrate me. We did every other thing you can imagine, except the real one. He said he was preparing me for it. I was not really comfortable through it all because I wasn’t sure I was ready to break my virginity, but I couldn’t afford to lose him either. So he eventually had his way. It was a Friday and I lied to my parents that I was going for an All-night service. That was the only way they will allow me to go out late and stay late. Even with that my mum didn’t like the idea.
I went to his place and we watched movies and drank some alcohol. He also begun to smoke weed. I didn’t even know he smoked. When I asked him, he said he did that occasionally and it exhances the fun during intimacy. He wanted me to try, but I didn’t. I don’t want to go into details, but on that night he broke my virginity. He promised me that I will be glad I did and I will enjoy it, but I didn’t enjoy it. My mother’s warnings and advice kept echoing in my head and I have been crying everyday. The most painful part is that after we had s*x he has started acting cold and distant towards me and I feel like he just wanted to break me for the fun of it. He is now always busy to talk.
He used to be the one who was calling me everyday even when I forget. The other thing is also that he didn’t use any protection and I am praying so hard that I am not pregnant. If I get pregnant through this, my parents will be so disappointed in me because they will find out that I am not the good daughter they think I am. I feel so bad concerning what I have done and I wish time can go back. What can I do to feel better?